Ugh so I have trust issues! I always have but now they're worse!
I used to only not trust guys(long story) but now it's gettng to the point where i don't trust anybody mom, "friends", nobody except ppl and those are my best friends. but like i try and monitor what i say to ppl even "friends" outside of my besties because I just don't trust them!!! and you know what's funny is i trust strangers more than the ppl i actually know-meaning i don't mind strangers knowing my thoughts and business and stuff because they don't know me but ppl that i know I hate it if they read my blog because I don't trust them! I don't want them knowing all my stuff because who know who they will tell or what they will do with my biz. it's frustrating! like certain ppl i only wnat them to know certain things because it's not safe when ppl know more about u than u do them u know especially fake ass mofos and its harder to spot those kind know a days or maybe its me and i'm just naive....or not. but the point is i need to get over these trust issues but i can't and actually would rather not because when u let ppl in the wrong ppl they will fuck u over. not that i've been fucked over...but i did come pretty close but i am blessed! to powerful for that but yes hellllp!
oh and then there's this damn procrastination/critical thinking issue i have and actually tons of ppl have the critical thinking issue and don't even know but me i know now and i wanna fix it as well as this procrastination shit! like it's getting real bad...therapy??.....
Monday
Sunday
Oh shit!
so i'm watching Bring it on again and i swear this is one racist ass super stereotypical ass movie but for some reason i'm still watching....but nthn better is on...
but as always a bunch of stuff has been on my mind. lil wayne, money, and much more but the most pressing issue is my social life. I don't have one! it's sad and pretty ridiculous and there's no excuse really. i mean i'm pretty, nice, down to earth...why wouldn't people want to be my friend. well for one I'm not social enough I am not involved in anything! I was running but gave up on it kinda and so now all i do is work and go to school. and i get out by 10 on some days and 115 on the others. after that i come home and take a nap or watch tv and get on the cp then take a nap and do hw sometimes and work occasionally and I didn't think anything of it I enjoy it but I was reading some blogs today and stumbled upon this new site [twitter] it's like a facebook but a bit diff. and i contemplated joining but then thought of how much time that would take out of my life on top of all the time i spend on facebook and myspace and this here blog and i said to myself wtf! I need to get a life! I friggin get on myspace and look at who's online and read all my friends statuses on facebook that's like some true loser shit and i know if i was involved in activities i wouldn't have time to do that and i wouldn't mind. i'm on facebook and myspace everyday! it's not as cool as it seems and i blog and i read other peoples blogs and they update everyday and they have no life either but i'm getting bored with having no life idk about anybody else so yea I need to get out more ind shit to do seriously and trust i plan on it in this upcoming year and hopefully and sry to whoever reads this but i won't have time to blog and ppl will actually have the chance to miss me on facebook and stuff lol
ok so this whole post isnt just supposed to be about my lack of social life but so lil wayne you know the guy kills me I mean for a sec. i was all for him but then i realized he is ignorant! like tough and ppl idolize and quote the man like it's goin out of style! but some shit he says is just ridiculous like the whole shit about women don't like to be called bitch but a bitch is a dog and a dog is a mans bestfriend. wtf! so that makes u calling her a bitch alright? NO like and i'm still supposed to respect him and i hate how he started this whole no homo shit like honsetly if you're COMFORTABLE in ur sexuality there's no need to say it i mean to me ur homo if u say that shit and it makes no sense because before u started sayin no homo people would say shit that sounded "gay" or what the fuck and so were they gay then and now because they say no homo it excuses it? think about it really it's all stupid though.
and school it gets to be boring after a while i mean i can never get tired of learning new things but i get sick of taking tests and having to study and not doing it because i don't want to and barely passinf because i thin tests are stupid and never study and i hate that i've been brainwashed to believe i can't roll in dough unless i have a degree which isn't true but once u keep hearing something u start to believe it and talking about what to believe u know that quote believe half of what u see and none of what u hear well it makes me think because I have a issue trusting people but i guess that's another post..oh and today i figured something out I believe my soulmate is a guy from california but most likely my husband will be from the south. it's somethin' about those southern guys I can't get enough of! ha
P.S. sry for the longwindedness but i had a lot to say. that's what happens when u don't post when u first think about something =/ ehh whatev.
but as always a bunch of stuff has been on my mind. lil wayne, money, and much more but the most pressing issue is my social life. I don't have one! it's sad and pretty ridiculous and there's no excuse really. i mean i'm pretty, nice, down to earth...why wouldn't people want to be my friend. well for one I'm not social enough I am not involved in anything! I was running but gave up on it kinda and so now all i do is work and go to school. and i get out by 10 on some days and 115 on the others. after that i come home and take a nap or watch tv and get on the cp then take a nap and do hw sometimes and work occasionally and I didn't think anything of it I enjoy it but I was reading some blogs today and stumbled upon this new site [twitter] it's like a facebook but a bit diff. and i contemplated joining but then thought of how much time that would take out of my life on top of all the time i spend on facebook and myspace and this here blog and i said to myself wtf! I need to get a life! I friggin get on myspace and look at who's online and read all my friends statuses on facebook that's like some true loser shit and i know if i was involved in activities i wouldn't have time to do that and i wouldn't mind. i'm on facebook and myspace everyday! it's not as cool as it seems and i blog and i read other peoples blogs and they update everyday and they have no life either but i'm getting bored with having no life idk about anybody else so yea I need to get out more ind shit to do seriously and trust i plan on it in this upcoming year and hopefully and sry to whoever reads this but i won't have time to blog and ppl will actually have the chance to miss me on facebook and stuff lol
ok so this whole post isnt just supposed to be about my lack of social life but so lil wayne you know the guy kills me I mean for a sec. i was all for him but then i realized he is ignorant! like tough and ppl idolize and quote the man like it's goin out of style! but some shit he says is just ridiculous like the whole shit about women don't like to be called bitch but a bitch is a dog and a dog is a mans bestfriend. wtf! so that makes u calling her a bitch alright? NO like and i'm still supposed to respect him and i hate how he started this whole no homo shit like honsetly if you're COMFORTABLE in ur sexuality there's no need to say it i mean to me ur homo if u say that shit and it makes no sense because before u started sayin no homo people would say shit that sounded "gay" or what the fuck and so were they gay then and now because they say no homo it excuses it? think about it really it's all stupid though.
and school it gets to be boring after a while i mean i can never get tired of learning new things but i get sick of taking tests and having to study and not doing it because i don't want to and barely passinf because i thin tests are stupid and never study and i hate that i've been brainwashed to believe i can't roll in dough unless i have a degree which isn't true but once u keep hearing something u start to believe it and talking about what to believe u know that quote believe half of what u see and none of what u hear well it makes me think because I have a issue trusting people but i guess that's another post..oh and today i figured something out I believe my soulmate is a guy from california but most likely my husband will be from the south. it's somethin' about those southern guys I can't get enough of! ha
P.S. sry for the longwindedness but i had a lot to say. that's what happens when u don't post when u first think about something =/ ehh whatev.
state of discomfort
Man I feel so unsettled right now mostly because of my mom. She always leaves me feeling that way after I see her now that I don't live with her...like for some reason since I can remember everytime I see my mom when I haven't for a while I get nervous and giddy and begin to feel like I'm around 8 yrs. Old or smthng but the problem is. Now I'm 19 and as of yesterday exactly 2 months away from 20...and it pisses me off but of course I can't help but love my mom you know and I think its normal to always feel that "kid again" comfort with ur mom but the aftertaste is just so horrible seriously. She's negative and ALWAYS taking me to a place I don't want to be mentally because she LIVES in the past and when you do that you never progress. Sadly and I want bad to help my mom but I can't and it hurts almost because she brings me down which holds me back and I can't have that. So I keep getting to this place where I'm torn do I keep her in my life or let her go so I can continue to grow not take a leap and then take a step back because that is so what my life is like with her but most of the problem is me allowing her to do this and by keeping her in my life I am but its hard as hell to let go of someone that's always been in ur life good or bad u know and she's a mix of both which keeps me in the indecisive state as well and this shits pretty shitty hell. I feel like crying because it hurts it really does. And I thought moving out would make it better and it has and no matter how hard I struggle I will not go back it won't benefit me in any way but financially and although money is a major factor its a minor factor when it comes to me as a whole and my growth and well being. Only person that can make this better now is my godmom..
something to talk about
thought and found it...
you know blogging has become a phenom serious...so many alike though so I decided I like my blog whether others do or not because I know one thing mines isn't like the ones I read at least I don't think. ima read my own shit and see...but that's not what i wanted to talk about. so u know how u can't see me unless ur my facebook friend u don't know who i am...and even then unless we went to school together same case. but i'm so torn i wan't to blog love it but i can't reveal my identity all out. trust, and people are out to get me any way they can. fucked up. right...but so does that make it more interesting? make u wonder huh? and it's like well what do u think of somebody u can't see so i'm trying to figure out a way to reveal my identity without anybody knowing it's me...
isn't it funny how u hear ur thoughts in ur mind but they come out diff. i will just stop over-analyzing geez.
you know blogging has become a phenom serious...so many alike though so I decided I like my blog whether others do or not because I know one thing mines isn't like the ones I read at least I don't think. ima read my own shit and see...but that's not what i wanted to talk about. so u know how u can't see me unless ur my facebook friend u don't know who i am...and even then unless we went to school together same case. but i'm so torn i wan't to blog love it but i can't reveal my identity all out. trust, and people are out to get me any way they can. fucked up. right...but so does that make it more interesting? make u wonder huh? and it's like well what do u think of somebody u can't see so i'm trying to figure out a way to reveal my identity without anybody knowing it's me...
isn't it funny how u hear ur thoughts in ur mind but they come out diff. i will just stop over-analyzing geez.
boogidy blah?
idk first thing that came to mind.
so this isn't how I planned it note: i already told u guys how i like to plan stuff out but ugh I had to write smthn cause' I just read this funny ass blog and it was interesting as well and hella shit was goinn thru my mind like how I was supposed to read the dictionary for fun but never got around to it and don't know why but most importantly I was thinking about my blog and how it compares to others..like sometimes i wish ppl would comment me but then i don't really care it's just a place for me to get my thoughts out really and entertain others i guess but like the blogs I read seem so interesting and all organized and stuff and the way i see it my blog is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo or whatnot like i really just write all the random stuff in my head well most of the time sometimes it's thought out and stuff...ehh. and so at some point in my life i felt as though i wasn't black enuff..lol whaa??? and i've been doin' really weird stuff on the cp like writing ehh? and whaa? who did i get that from?! eww! poetry. i think it's the best thing i do. but shit let me stop because this is probably getting out of hand seeing as though i am really writing off the top no main point exact story nthn just random thoughts. just me...?
P.S. sry for the txt talk and wrong word spelling just happened...
so this isn't how I planned it note: i already told u guys how i like to plan stuff out but ugh I had to write smthn cause' I just read this funny ass blog and it was interesting as well and hella shit was goinn thru my mind like how I was supposed to read the dictionary for fun but never got around to it and don't know why but most importantly I was thinking about my blog and how it compares to others..like sometimes i wish ppl would comment me but then i don't really care it's just a place for me to get my thoughts out really and entertain others i guess but like the blogs I read seem so interesting and all organized and stuff and the way i see it my blog is just a bunch of mumbo jumbo or whatnot like i really just write all the random stuff in my head well most of the time sometimes it's thought out and stuff...ehh. and so at some point in my life i felt as though i wasn't black enuff..lol whaa??? and i've been doin' really weird stuff on the cp like writing ehh? and whaa? who did i get that from?! eww! poetry. i think it's the best thing i do. but shit let me stop because this is probably getting out of hand seeing as though i am really writing off the top no main point exact story nthn just random thoughts. just me...?
P.S. sry for the txt talk and wrong word spelling just happened...
Friday
Life is...
like a fairytale. full of good and bad princesses and evil villians and it's up to YOU to create your happy ending...
ugh. and other times life is blah. the same shit different day...my life is pretty boring right now and I know it is about that time to broaden my social circle well with my 2 best friends being in diff. states and many other reasons it's just about that time. I have so many goals and changes to make in the new year and I mean I don't neccessarily feel that I have to wait but I'm funny like that and I like to plan stuff out dates and all....ehh. but Man seriously I been sleepin just so much because I get out of school early and I've been having NO hrs. at work =/ it fuckn suxz. I don't go out on the weekends because I have nobody to go out with AND no money which suxz too. I don't know how to budget but i'm trying to learn and with that comes sacrifice! I'm like hella smart and think alot duh and I tend to be passionate about helping others I'm like a hella caring person overall and I just wish I was superwoman and could save the whole world...it's hard to explain but yea and I don't exactly have to jump at every opportunity to do so I guess because I mean that's kind of taking away peoples rights like I dunno but basically what I am understanding more and more and more each day is the fact that a person will change when they want to which may be never and they will ask for help when they are ready to make that change...and see I'm not trying to change anybody I just want people to "lift the veil" ignorance is killing us. ALL of us black white etc. and it kills me inside but I just can accept things as they are, things I cannot change and get on...
Man I also am learning to follow my heart. Seriously it lets you know what's good or bad right or wrong. Don't ignore it or go against it. Ahh I just really needed to talk, to write. sry for the randomness...
ugh. and other times life is blah. the same shit different day...my life is pretty boring right now and I know it is about that time to broaden my social circle well with my 2 best friends being in diff. states and many other reasons it's just about that time. I have so many goals and changes to make in the new year and I mean I don't neccessarily feel that I have to wait but I'm funny like that and I like to plan stuff out dates and all....ehh. but Man seriously I been sleepin just so much because I get out of school early and I've been having NO hrs. at work =/ it fuckn suxz. I don't go out on the weekends because I have nobody to go out with AND no money which suxz too. I don't know how to budget but i'm trying to learn and with that comes sacrifice! I'm like hella smart and think alot duh and I tend to be passionate about helping others I'm like a hella caring person overall and I just wish I was superwoman and could save the whole world...it's hard to explain but yea and I don't exactly have to jump at every opportunity to do so I guess because I mean that's kind of taking away peoples rights like I dunno but basically what I am understanding more and more and more each day is the fact that a person will change when they want to which may be never and they will ask for help when they are ready to make that change...and see I'm not trying to change anybody I just want people to "lift the veil" ignorance is killing us. ALL of us black white etc. and it kills me inside but I just can accept things as they are, things I cannot change and get on...
Man I also am learning to follow my heart. Seriously it lets you know what's good or bad right or wrong. Don't ignore it or go against it. Ahh I just really needed to talk, to write. sry for the randomness...
Wednesday
sleep much?
well i ususally stay up later than i would like because my mind keeps goin and goin and so last night I had some really interesting and deep juicy thoughts about relationships...not so new
but these philosophies were. I got to thinking about my next romantic encounter and what do I really want? a committed relationship, boyfriend, companionship what?
well I do want a boyfriend but what I want more is companionship. The titles boyfriend and girlfriend really don't hold that much weight. HUSBAND, WIFE those are what matter. I want to someday be someones WIFE but until then I really just want companionship I want to have relations with a man whos company I enjoy who I have an acceptance for and vice versa a nice good looking, good dressing, good smelling man. lol seriously though like I just kinda daydream about meeting someone who I have a great connection with but it's not a marriage type super exclusive thing. Now don't jump around and conclude and stuff. Cheating and things are unacceptable but that's my point if you don't treat relationships as marriages then those things aren't something to worry about. Ehh lemme explain. I want to be with someone but I don't want it to be an i own you you own me type of thing just a relaxed relationship. I don't want to get LOVE involved I think I should save that for the man I am to marry as well as serious affection. Hugs and kisses and all that are nice but those things seem to distract the deeper connection. many relationships start off physical. wrong. I want to almost test and see how long a relationship can last if it is primarily mental and "spiritual." I want to see how deep love can really get and be like, you know when people are married and they don't have to always say I love you because they just know. I want it to be like that almost, an experience if you will. Wonderful blissful amazing unlike any other. You may or may not get what i'm saying but hopefully you feel it..
Blah.
but these philosophies were. I got to thinking about my next romantic encounter and what do I really want? a committed relationship, boyfriend, companionship what?
well I do want a boyfriend but what I want more is companionship. The titles boyfriend and girlfriend really don't hold that much weight. HUSBAND, WIFE those are what matter. I want to someday be someones WIFE but until then I really just want companionship I want to have relations with a man whos company I enjoy who I have an acceptance for and vice versa a nice good looking, good dressing, good smelling man. lol seriously though like I just kinda daydream about meeting someone who I have a great connection with but it's not a marriage type super exclusive thing. Now don't jump around and conclude and stuff. Cheating and things are unacceptable but that's my point if you don't treat relationships as marriages then those things aren't something to worry about. Ehh lemme explain. I want to be with someone but I don't want it to be an i own you you own me type of thing just a relaxed relationship. I don't want to get LOVE involved I think I should save that for the man I am to marry as well as serious affection. Hugs and kisses and all that are nice but those things seem to distract the deeper connection. many relationships start off physical. wrong. I want to almost test and see how long a relationship can last if it is primarily mental and "spiritual." I want to see how deep love can really get and be like, you know when people are married and they don't have to always say I love you because they just know. I want it to be like that almost, an experience if you will. Wonderful blissful amazing unlike any other. You may or may not get what i'm saying but hopefully you feel it..
Blah.
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