state of discomfort

Man I feel so unsettled right now mostly because of my mom. She always leaves me feeling that way after I see her now that I don't live with her...like for some reason since I can remember everytime I see my mom when I haven't for a while I get nervous and giddy and begin to feel like I'm around 8 yrs. Old or smthng but the problem is. Now I'm 19 and as of yesterday exactly 2 months away from 20...and it pisses me off but of course I can't help but love my mom you know and I think its normal to always feel that "kid again" comfort with ur mom but the aftertaste is just so horrible seriously. She's negative and ALWAYS taking me to a place I don't want to be mentally because she LIVES in the past and when you do that you never progress. Sadly and I want bad to help my mom but I can't and it hurts almost because she brings me down which holds me back and I can't have that. So I keep getting to this place where I'm torn do I keep her in my life or let her go so I can continue to grow not take a leap and then take a step back because that is so what my life is like with her but most of the problem is me allowing her to do this and by keeping her in my life I am but its hard as hell to let go of someone that's always been in ur life good or bad u know and she's a mix of both which keeps me in the indecisive state as well and this shits pretty shitty hell. I feel like crying because it hurts it really does. And I thought moving out would make it better and it has and no matter how hard I struggle I will not go back it won't benefit me in any way but financially and although money is a major factor its a minor factor when it comes to me as a whole and my growth and well being. Only person that can make this better now is my godmom..